Twas the night before Christmas, and Geez it was neat, The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.





The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.





Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.





When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,



That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.





Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.





The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Shoved a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.





When what to my wondering eyes should



appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.





With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.





Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.





And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right, Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, Whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.





Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.





They cleared the old lamppost, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.





And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,

As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.





I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.





His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.





"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,

"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile."





He walked to the kitchen, poured himself a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.





I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.





Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,

But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.





The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,

The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.





Then a box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And six pairs of panties, the edible kind.





A bra without nipples, a penis extension,



And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.





A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,

A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.





"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs Santa will shit,

So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."





He filled every stocking and then took his leave,

With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.





He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.





In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"





The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"..have a awesome day ..Harley

Twas the night before Thanksgiving and in my sleep.

Strange dreams in my mind, began to creep



Thanksgiving leftovers beckoned --- The dark meat and white,

But I fought the temptation with all of my might.



Tossing and turning with anticipation......

The thought of a snack became infatuation.....



So to the kitchen I did race, Flung open the door,

And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,

Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.



I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,

Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!



I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky....

With a mouthful l of pudding and a handful of pie,

But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees.



HAPPY EATING TO ALL!

PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE!