Horoscopes!

Aries (21 March-20 April)
Time warps today in a way that makes everything take ten time longer than you want. Schedule enjoyable activities only or suffer!

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
The bad mood bunny has jumped onto your back. Make sure your windows are rolled up before yelling at people in traffic.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Your bargaining star is in retrograde. Just buy things at list price and save yourself time.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Feeling good and looking good, Cancer. Try not to get into any trouble.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
The eye of the tiger possesses you. Unfortunately so does the smell of the jungle. Avoid intimate encounters.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Be a lover not a fighter today. Back down just this once to avoid a little humble pie later in the week.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Enjoy your weekend. A shit storm is brewing for Monday. There's nothing you can do about it.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Your shopping star and credit card cycles are magically aligned. Avoid HSN and late night infomercials or be sentenced to six months of revolving debt.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
A watched pot may not boil, but if you leave it totally unattended for long periods of time you can start a fire.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Push it! Push it good!

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Hope springs eternal. Follow it up with cold, hard, action.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
You have a chance to be a hero today with a small act of kindness. Don't puss out.