For some of you that don't know me well I am very secluded and it is hard for me to trust anyone. I hate that. I used to be this fun loving world adventurous person and then I met my husband. Oh yeah things where great for the first couple of years and we had a wonderful marriage, then this 18 year old girl came into our lives. She was being put out of her home after she graduated and me being the big hearted person that I am offered her a place to live.

Well she became very close with my 15 year old daughter, she would call her sister, and this 18 year old started to call me mom. Told me I took better care of her then her own mother. Everything was as it should be. My husband and I where working, He worked nights and I worked days. I should have seen something coming, but love is blind.

To make a long story short..he got this girl pregnant after he went to jail for beating on me. She said she didn't want him etc well that was bullshit. He now has a son by her and I honestly believe that the only reason she kept the baby was to keep her claws in him, well I say she can have him.

I was so angry and bitter cause I started to blame myself, where did I go wrong what did I do to chase my husband into the arms of another, then my father in law told me that it was my fault cause it was like "dangling a lolly pop in front of a 5 year old" well let me tell you, if that 5 year old can't keep his dick in his pants around someone that we look to as a child then he does not need to be around them, so again I started to blame myself cause I allowed her into my home.

Well after about 6 months of all this Eric and I decided to give it another try, boy was I an idiot..he moved back in with me and things where fine until.. the baby was born. Well he decided that it was ok to throw his cell phone at me and put a softball size bruise on my thigh that hurt for what seemed forever. He was charged again with assualt actually I think this one was like capital punishment or something I can't remember I just know that I have had my fair share of court houses to last me a life time.

I let him go again. Well I met wonderful people and made new friends, starting having fun again and started trusting a little, going out and meeting new people just enjoying life. Well he came back around, spewing all these wonderful changes he had made and that he was a better person, me being the dumb ass that I am believed him..who da thunk huh?

So I let all the friends I had made and the new interests go for sake of my marriage, BIG MISTAKE! Around Christmas time yeah I guess that was it, I decided to go through his phone and I know most of you out there are going THAT BITCH! Well I found where he had sent her a text and told her that he loved her, that did it, I packed his shit and told him to get the fuck out!

I have cried, I have blamed myself, I have gone through the emotional rollercoaster that no woman should ever have to go through but ya know, I did this to myself. I kept allowing him back into my life, allowing him to chip away a little more of my self respect and self esteem.

So now I am alone again and starting to feel the need for friends, but it is hard for me. I don't know who to trust anymore. Everyone is a liar or just saying stuff to blow smoke up my ass..That is wrong, so I have started working on just being me and making me happy for once in my life. I am such a people pleaser. So what I have done is made arrangements to buy a bike, and I am going to take the classes for my license cause I know the best medicine for the soul is the road, just get out there and not look back, ride with the wind and any other cleche I can think of.

I know I feel free when I am on the bike, I know that I don't have a care in the world when we are going 90 down the highway. Its just getting to that point again. Being able to let down the guard and associate again. Not be the bitch that I have turned into. Cinical and all that jazz.

I was once a fun person and I will be that person again if it kills me, but for now I can't eat I can't sleep I don't know what is going on. I am just a mess, so please give me time to sort stuff out, if I snap I am sorry. If I ignore I am sorry too. I don't mean too, just scared

Well that is my drama...

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